Birman and the New Girl
by koyasufan
Summary: [Rated for language] A parody fic. Ever wonder why Manx always introduces the 'new girls? Maybe because Birman hasn't the patience.


~*~Birman and the New Girl~*~

  
  
Birman yawned and looked at the clock that was on the wall above the door into her office. Seven in the evening, certainly it was time to wrap up the report she was working on for Weiß and go...  
  
She blinked as the door flew open and an American girl with black hair in a high ponytail skipped into the office. _...what...the...hell...?_  
  
"Konban wa, Victoria-basan[1]!" the girl chirped out with a rather huge and perfect smile. And she had the _worst_ accent that Birman heard.  
  
"Ex~cuse me? What did you call me?" Birman snarled, a deep frown embedding itself on her face. _Please tell me this isn't..._  
  
"Victoria-basan! Don't you remember me?" the girl chirped again, that smile not fading a bit.  
  
_...another one. _ The frown on Birman's face was turning into something in between a scowl and a glare. "No, I don't. And I don't know why I'd have an American girl calling me 'aunt', let alone 'Aunt Victoria'. My name is...not Victoria."  
  
"Mooouuu, Victoria-basan no baka! Of course your name is Victoria! And I'm your sister's daughter, of course, so you're my obasan! And I'm here to join Weiß!"[2]  
  
_One, my name is Kyoko. Two, that would be rather hard as I don't...have... _ The pen in Birman's hand fell to her desk. She felt the color drain from her face, and she pushed herself to her feet as soon as she was sure her legs would hold her. _Close the door, first. _That instinct was the only thing that moved through the anger building in her mind as she stormed across the small office and slammed the door shut.  
  
"Let's try this again, okay, little girl. Who are you? Why are you calling me Victoria? Why are you calling me aunt? _And how the hell do you know the name Weiß?!_" In spite of the fury building inside her, Birman managed to keep her voice in an almost hissed whisper. There were a _few_ people that worked in the building that didn't know about Weiß, after all. She couldn't help the fact that she wished her gun weren't in her desk right now, though.  
  
"My name is Selenity[3] Ikari. I'm calling you 'Victoria' because that's your name. I'm the daughter of your sister Amalia. And everyone knows Weiß! They're so hot! Especially that Ran [4] when he's in that outfit he wears under his mission coat."  
  
There were _stars_ in the girl's eyes. There were literally fucking _STARS_ in her eyes at the mention of 'Ran'. _Oh, that's it!_ A meter and a half back to her desk, that was all the distance, and 'Selenity' watched her all but stomp that distance. Birman opened a drawer and looked down for a moment.  
  
"Oh! See, you do have the paperwork on me. Okaasama wasn't sure if Shuuichi would have gotten it to you yet since I wasn't supposed to be here for another two months!"  
  
Birman's eyes looked up through her bangs as her hand found what she was looking for. _She did not just call Persia 'Shuuichi'._ "Really? Well, we're pretty ahead of things like this, you know."  
  
"That's great! So once we iron out all the details, you can take me out and show me Tokyo--we can be like sisters!"  
  
_Not a chance in hell, you...thing..._  
  
Selenity continued naturally, not even noticing the way Birman's visible hand was clenching the edge of her desk. "And you can introduce me to Ran and Yohji and Ken and Omi...Oh! And that German boy, too. Ummm...Schulderich[5]! Just don't let Manx come along. She's such a bitch..."  
  
That was it. No one insulted her red-haired coworker like that to her face and got away with it. Her fingers tightened on the grip of the gun, and she raised it as she looked up. "Let's get something straight here, _Selenity_. One, my name is Kyoko. Ki-yo-ko. [6] Only, you will call me Birman. Not Victoria-basan. Not Kyoko-basan. Birman. Two, I do not have a sister named Amalia. Even if I do happen to have a sister, her name would not be _Amalia_! My family is _Japanese_. Three, his name to the world is _Aya_. Repeat _A-ya_. Four, half of Kritiker doesn't know about Weiß, I don't know how the hell you or 'everyone' would know. Five, Manx is not a bitch. I'm the bitch, sweetie."  
  
Birman smiled coldly. "Go back to wherever you've come from. _NOW_! If you don't, there will be new ventilation for your brain. Understand me?"  
  
Selenity swallowed and actually seemed to look a bit scared as she realized the gun was pointed at her head. "I see this is a bad time...I...I'll come back later," she nodded shakily as she backed towards the door.  
  
Birman watched the girl open the door and duck out of it. "And the German is off limits, you brat!" she growled a bit and under her breath before collapsing back in her chair and closing her eyes. The door creaked a little after a moment, and she cracked an eye open to see who was coming into the room now. "Hello, Manx," she murmured at the red-head. "Now I know how you usually feel..."  
  
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[1] I have actually seen her given this name...multiple times. Stupid fanon.  
[2] Am I the -only- one that wonders how these girls -always- know what Weiß is when they're not Kritiker or Esset?  
[3] *snerk* Sorry, couldn't resist.  
[4] Don't ask me how she knew his name was Ran. :P  
[5] I picked the least offensive of the misspellings of his name. At least this one fits the kana.  
[6] The kana for her name read ki-yo-ko literally, even though the first kana merge into the "kyo" sound. :P 


End file.
